My Journey to Parenthood

All I’ve ever wanted to do was be a parent. If you follow me anywhere on line, you already know that. If not, I mean… well the pics say it all. (Yes, my Cabbage Patch Kid had a first and middle name.)

Blood may be thicker than water, but that’s science and this is spirit. 

This is soul work.

Once they’ve entered my heart, I’m forever connected, regardless of how old they get, how far they move, and which parts of their childhood they remember in connection to me.

To date, I’ve gathered quite a brood, some biological, some by choice - but ALL loved beyond measure. 

However, as I’ve moved through life caring for others’ children, then my own, and then for others’ again, I’ve noticed that parenting is simply a word in the English language.  It can be a verb, or a base noun, but either way it’s amorphic until you give it some adjectives, or adverbs, to describe the action.

Like any other part of speech, it can be gussied up:

• Committed parent

• Effective parenting

• Loving parent

• Encouraging parent

• Advocating parent

Or, dressed down:

• Ineffective parenting

• What a bad parent

• Lack of parenting

• Over parenting (commonly referred to as helicopter parenting)

• Neglectful parent

The trick to parenting is that it’s multiple actions and choices, and reactions that occur in constant motion, as if you were following a staccato beat in a piece of classical music. 

Yesterday's choices shaped today's, and further influence tomorrows. It’s a circular dance of the past, present, and future that builds the pillars of a healthy parent-child relationship: mutual respect, open communication, and reciprocal trust. 

When these three foundation blocks are cultivated, a fruitful parent-child relationship can grow between any adult and child, regardless of their biological connection.

It’s my belief that parents need to write their own goals for their children. You might be holding a newborn infant in your hands, but from this point on every decision you make, every reaction you choose, every tone of voice that accompanies your words will shape their future. Their future is how you write your parenting destination.

It’s called your PMS: Parenting Mission Statement. Never heard of it? Well, that’s because I coined the phrase (ok: fancy talk for I made it up) But it’s a valuable tool in your parenting tool box!

Here’s mine.

My goal is to raise confident, independent, well-adjusted children who grow into adults who can embrace who they are, advocate for themselves, and take responsibility for their choices, while simultaneously bringing compassion and empathy to their relationships, in all settings they live and work in. 

It’s a big goal. It’s a far away destination. It makes for some long days when one, or the other of my brood is going through a rough spot. It offers me opportunities on a daily basis to practice patience, to hear my words before they come out of my mouth, and, most importantly, to always remember to say what I mean and mean what I say.

This is true regardless of your child’s age.

Yes, they need a strong foundation to successfully enter a classroom of 20+ kids and begin to process the attitudes, behaviors, and general attributes the other kids, raised in unique environments, brought to the dynamic. However, I was blessed to find that our ability to help her continue to grow as a person was far from over. 

The open communication piece becomes paramount during the elementary school years. Talk, talk, and talk some more. It truly doesn’t matter what you talk about at this age (you can have a rousing discussion about the different color choices they used in their latest art project) but with every attention to detail what you’re really saying is, “I’m interested in what you do. I want to hear about it from you. And I want you to be willing to hear what I have to say about it too.” 

The tween years can fly by without any warning of what’s to come. There are some growing pains, for sure, mostly their frustration that prepubescent tendencies are starting and it’s annoying for them to feel their bodies begin to change. But, if allowed, the adolescent years can fly by in a haze of “calm-before-the-storm”, especially if you choose to function in a state of denial that your baby is quickly headed toward a new phase of life. 

That makes this the time to act! Strengthen your bond while they still want to hang out with you and do fun things together. Make memories, good ones, that you’ll be able to look back on when you’re riding out the “real” teenage years and having to practice letting go a bit. Moreover, use these prelude years to slip in important teaching moments. 

Say things like: 

• “Hey, you know smoking is a bad habit, right? It’s full of chemicals that hurt your body from the inside out”

• “ If anyone ever makes you feel unsafe, or touches you where you don’t want, you’d tell me, right?”

• “Someday your friends will try to get to to try drugs and alcohol. Just say no until you’re old enough to try legally, ok?”

• “Hey, you know I’m always here for you. Call me any time of day or night and I’ll come get you”. 

They’ll probably look at you like you're crazy, make grossed out faces, and turn eye-rolling into an art; that’s normal, but you’re planting the seed for future conversations that will matter a great deal. You’re making it so they say “come in” when you knock on their door after they’ve stormed in from school and gone straight to their room. 

There is a great deal of eye rolling and ‘whatevering” and “ I just can’t talk about this right now”, to which I say, “No problem. I’ll do the talking and you do the listening.” However, this only works if you’ve spent a lifetime building the mutual trust, respect, and communication boundaries detailed above. 

Just know this. They hear you. And so, your words matter. Choose them wisely. You may not get the response you were hoping for, or any response for that matter, when you’re essentially squatting in their bedroom (even though you knocked and they said “whatever” to your question to come in). Dagger eyes are a real answer. 

When they hear you is when their friend is offering them a ride, yet he’s clearly under the influence. 

When they hear you is when they made a not-so-great choice, realize it, and know they can call you and you’ll come - no questions asked.

They hear you is every time one of those things you wanted to talk about and they didn’t want to consider happens out in the world.

In that moment, it’s like you were a fortune teller and your magical prophecy is happening right in front of them. They’ll fall back on your words and practice making (mostly) good choices.

The trick is that they don’t need you hovering either. This is their chance to practice independent living using the skill sets you’ve nurtured in them throughout their lives. There’s a time to catch them and help them back up, yet you’ll also have to practice some tough love and let them struggle through certain situations on their own, primarily ones they created. 

It’s time to enjoy the fruit of your labor. To watch the person you’ve worked so hard to grow take flight and find success on their own. 

Remember that kid, little me arms filled a baby doll who had a birth certificate?

Somehow, I knew all this then and through the process of growing up, upskilling with degrees, and countless hours of hands on training through caregiving at every level, I’ve landed here.

An older, wiser, version of myself with science based strategies and systems to share to help you avoid the stereotypical early-parent struggles and embark on a journey of self-development as you grow with your child, from birth to adulthood. 

Listen to more about my journey on my #podcast! Episode 1 I shared more about who I am and what I do and Episode 4 I dive into what a Parenting GPS is and WHY you need one!