Little / Big Parenting Wins

“Well that’s it” I said to my husband the day we sent our oldest to Kindergarten, my eyes moist with transitional tears. “What?” he said. “We’ve put in everything we could these last 5 years and now it’s time for her to try them on in the real world”. I was so right and so wrong at the same time. 5 Years old.

Yes, we’d worked hard to give her a strong set of foundational skills during the critical early childhood developmental period but our work was far from over! Yes, she was in a new space of independence. Yes, we had released her into a world of unpredictability and uncertainty. Yes, it was now her job to react or respond to a new set of authority figures and peers while drawing on the interpersonal, social/emotional and sense of self skills we nurtured. But we still had a responsibility to support her.

We became the holders of the net.

Giving her space to explore while continuing to set reasonable and achievable expectations, while encouraging her to make choices, own them, and bask in or take responsibility for their natural consequences.

Oh but I begged that kid NOT to climb for the cookie jar every time we played! Fast forward 13 years to a recent conversation with a now 18 year old, preparing to graduate High School and leave the nest (and the net) far behind.

Her: “Mom, I want to build my credit. I want to get a credit card.”

Me: “Awesome! It’s great you’re thinking about this. Did you know that our bank has a special program for teens to establish their credit?”

Her: “No. Can we check it out?” Insert the Net: Next time I was at the drive through I asked the teller for a flyer about the program.

Due to COVID the lobby was closed so she’d have to have a ‘virtual appointment’ with a banker. I downloaded the app on my computer and we did the research/question asking appointment together. Information gathered and next steps made clear, I pulled the net.

Cue the whining.....

“But mom, can’t you help me fill out the application?”

Nope.

This is something you want to better your future. You need to do it on your own. She filled out the online app all by herself, including all the ‘icky stuff’ social security number, uploaded pic of her license and reference section.

Two days later: There was a message on the phone, “Hi Claire, this is ___ from the bank. Thanks for submitting your credit building application. I have a few more questions. Could you please call me back at xxx-xxxx?”

“Mom, I don’t want to call her back. Will you do it?”

Nope.

She called for you. It’s your responsibility to call her back. I got ‘the look’. “What is the point of building good credit?”, I asked. Good interest rates on your future car, house? You could take a loan for a business if you decide to pursue your art. To get set up in a decent apartment when you move out in the fall?

These outcomes benefit YOU so YOU need to be the one to do this.

And so you see, the dance of support and encouragement, helping without enabling, aiding while setting our kids up for opportunities to stretch themselves through reasonable and achievable expectations is NEVER done!

Trust me, I feel for her.

This total independence thing is scary, especially for an introvert, transitioning into a COVID world. 

There were even moments when I felt ready to cave and just ‘do it for her’ because watching our kids struggle emotionally is hard, but I pulled myself back, reminding myself that good parenting often means doing the hard thing for her long-term benefit.

In those moments, I daydream. I visualize a day years from now when the phone rings. She’s calling to celebrate buying her first ever, brand new car and adds that because of her excellent credit at such a young age the dealer gave her 0% financing. On that day, I’ll do my happy dance (I’m really good at a celebratory happy dance) and cheer my mom-self of years past for making the hard choice that led to this outcome.