Feeling Triggered All the Time? The #1 Strategy for Turning Reactions into Responses

 How many emotional triggers do you field in a day? Don’t answer that, because you likely can’t.

Your toddlers and preschoolers are master button pushers and trigger your conscious and subconscious reactions, often without even trying.

You want to sit inside a level of self awareness that allows you to hijack that reaction, but it’s hard and not every day goes the way you see it in your head and heart.

I’d like to share a personal, real-life story from my neighborhood that has me in a triggered state multiple times a day.

I’m moving through flight, fight, freeze and fawn at such a rapid rate that I can’t seem to make any response decisions.

I’m not even reacting.

It feels like I’m playing tennis and someone is serving me the ball, hard and fast, over and over without giving me any time to return it. 

Especially because my husband is triggered too!

Here’s the story.

My husband and I live in Southern Vermont in an 1868 farmhouse with a bay window that overlooks our front field. One-hundred yards of lush grass that abuts a public back road.

This is my view from the elliptical in the morning. It’s gorgeous, inspiring and allows me to wave to our friends and neighbors as they walk their dogs.

However, there’s a new couple in town who have decided that our yard is their yard.  

They stop their walk daily to train their large dog in our field. Throw sticks. Run and chase. And ever lay down mid-field as their dog runs free around them.

My husband saw this first and reported it back to me. He tends to be a very territorial, over reactor so I’ll be honest, I figured he was exaggerating their behavior.

He wasn’t. The first time I saw it with my own eyes, I was shocked. And frozen as to what to do.

Between my husband and I we cycled through all the reactive cylinders, on repeat.

Flight - If we ignore them will they just go away? 

Fight - Ok, next time we see them we’ll just tell the to get the heck off our lawn! And how rude they are.

Freeze - We literally walked by them one night, on OUR yard, waved, smiled and said “Hi, nice night, huh?”

Fawn - I mean, we don’t have little kids anymore, or a dog. What are they really hurting by using the space?

I’m a little bit ashamed to say that this went on for too long. Until one day, I finally felt grounded, calm, and ready to open a conversation with them without any of the reactive states controlling me.

And here’s why. 

I’ve learned to turn shock and judgment into observation and curiosity.

I work really hard to think what the other person might be thinking.  

Our driveway isn’t visible as it’s on the other side of the house. Is it possible they don't realize it's personal property? 

We’ve lived here over 20 years and are friendly folk. Has a neighbor told them, “Oh, that Cara and Jeremiah are super nice. I'm sure they won't mind”.

Questions like this help me remember that I don't know what they're thinking. It doesn’t change their outrageous behavior, but it does make me able to approach them with connection and resolution in mind.

Finally,  I said to my husband, “Well, we have to do something. If you let a behavior persist  over and over and over, it's not going to change.”

Lack of action on our part is implied permission for them.

The same is true with your toddlers and preschoolers. Without kind, clear boundaries they believe that it’s okay to keep presenting the same behavior and testing the same boundary over and over and over and over.

“Hi,  my name's Cara. It's nice to meet you”, as they're standing in the middle of my lawn,  I stayed  in a very calm tone, a very self aware place. 

“Hey”, they said. 

“So my husband and I have noticed that you're using our lawn to train your dog”.  

I said, “Well,  here's the thing. We have a public park, just walkable right around the corner, really.  And we would prefer that you use that to train your dog.  We used to have a dog. We don't have a dog anymore. We're not interested in dog poop all over our lawn”. 

I was just very calm and very clear, but I sent the message.  I hope kindly, but firmly,  kindly, but firmly. 

When we think about setting boundaries, behavior boundaries for our toddlers and preschoolers, this is what we have to do.  If we just expect that the kid's going to get it together and change their behavior because they read our mind and we don't love it, it's never going to happen.  We need to set the boundary. 

And then hold it with kindness.  

“So we really would prefer that you don't use our lawn anymore. Thank you.  If you're over there in the park one day training your dog, I'll be sure to come over and say hi”.  

How did they handle it?  I actually have no idea. Right in the moment, they were okay because what are they going to say?

What did they say to each other after they left? I have no idea. And quite honestly, it doesn't matter.  My only job as a conscious, self aware human is to make sure that I show up as my best self, speak kindly but firmly,  and then know that I did what I needed to do. 

Will I need to hold this boundary again in the future? Likely not. These are adults. They got the message. 

Your job is a little bit harder. 

Because when your toddler comes at you, and you hold the boundary,  they're going to come at you again tomorrow. And you're going to remind them of that boundary. Kindly, and with love, and a softer tone.

When your flight and your fight reaction kick in and you want to say things like, “What did I tell you yesterday?” And “Why don't you get it?” And “How is this so hard for you to understand? Like the rules didn't change.”  You're going to pull yourself back.  

You're going to sit  in curiosity and observation and just speak the truth. 

Because even changing your tone will make you sound and feel different.  

After you set and hold the boundary with kindness and love, the hardest part of all is allowing your little people to process through their big feeling reactions. 

They are not adults. This is their practice. They need to go through a series of feelings and emotions. 

And yes, tantrumming is a developmentally normal and positive part of your early years with your kids. It's how they understand the rules of that game that is called life and interacting with other people. 

I'll be sure to let you know if this couple comes back and if they do, and I have to hold my boundary if I change the way I say anything, but I'm pretty confident that I gave myself enough time to hijack the big reaction and respond in a way that has solved the problem and avoided burning any bridges with some new neighbors.

🎧Listen to this podcast episode and let me know what you think! 

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Cara Tyrrell, M.Ed is mom to three girls, a Vermont based Early Childhood Educator, Collaborative Parenting Coach, and the founder of Core4Parenting. She is the passionate mastermind behind the Collaborative Parenting Methodology™, a birth-to-five, soul and science based framework that empowers toddler parents and educators  to turn tantrums into teachable moments. Through keynotes, teacher training, and her top-ranking podcast, Transforming the Toddler Years, she’s teaching the 5 Executive Functioning Skills kids need to navigate our ever-changing world.