Ep 9. Raising Successful Kids Skill #4- Sense of Self

Welcome back, mamas. We are nearly through our top five executive functioning skills series that will help your child grow into a kindergarten and world ready kid. Today's skill doesn't actually sound like one.  Today's executive functioning skill is sense of self. Let's sit with that for a second.

Sense of Self

I've told you repeatedly that we're born into the world with our own natural characteristics and attributes that make up who we are. That's just what it is. So how can sense of self be a skill? 

It's more about self identity, ownership of self, confidence of self, awareness of our natural skills and moving through them so that we can advocate for ourselves as we start interacting with the world. 

Does that make sense? You've done the work.  Now we get an opportunity to do this with and for our children when they're young, when their brain is ready to make these beautiful mind body soul connections from day one.

We're keeping them from having to revisit their childhood experiences and move through them towards self awareness. Instead, we're giving them proactive opportunities to design their sense of self now and learn how to use it as they interact in the world. It sounds really beautiful, but the honest truth is there's two sides to every coin.

We have natural attributes that are fun and easy and mesh with the way society thinks they should be. And we also have some that don't, they're messy, they're loud, and they don't necessarily mesh with the way society thinks they should be.

The big work of supporting your child's sense of self means seeing both, owning both for your child, and then teaching them how to use them appropriately.

Knowing when you need to give a little bit of a shove so they can practice the ones that aren't so easy for them. And when you need to pull back and let them be who they are. A lot of work, right? Except it's so fun because we're just with our kids and engaging with them as we do it. I wish you could see me right now. My hands are flying.  I talk with my hands all the time, not just because I'm fluent in American Sign Language, but also because I'm Italian.

So it's kind of a double whammy.  Okay, sidetracked as usual. Sorry about that.  All right. So let's talk about this in the different developmental stages that you may be in. If you have an infant between  six and 12 months old, you're already seeing their sense of wholeness. You're seeing if they’re someone who moves their body a lot, they're always in motion.

Maybe they're already trying to pull themselves up. Maybe they're already trying to walk, but if not, they're scooching. They are just in constant motion. You can support their sense of identity by pointing that out. “Wow. Your body loves to move. You're a mover and a shaker. I see how you're working really hard to get to that toy, to stand on this toy”. Point it out. That is a sense of who they are. 

If you have a slightly older child, if you have an 18 month to two year old who is in a different developmental leap, trying to put it all together. The way they interact with the world, what is appropriate, what isn't appropriate inside your home, and let's say this particular child is loud. Everything about them is loud. The way they play with toys is loud. Their voice is on a whole different decibel level, it seems. If they're awake, you know it because there is noise being made. Is this a pleasant, natural attribute?  Many would say no. Many would shush or ask their child to be quiet or to calm down.

What if you just pointed it out? “Wow, your voice is really loud right now. The way those toys came together made a big sound. You like making noise, don't you? Noise feels good to you”. Does this mean that forever as they grow, they will always be allowed to make this high level of noise? No. There will be times when you can teach them when it's appropriate to use our quieter voices.

And when it's appropriate to go ahead and just be them, that's adjusting to the world. But we're talking about grounding into your child's sense of self. Think about spiritual component for a minute. And I don't mean God. I mean, our bodies move in a spiritual way. Maybe you've said to your friends, always just a high spirited child. Oh, the spirit in this one is strong. What do you mean? You're talking about their natural attributes and we don't want to squish the spirit. If we squish it, we've not only dimmed the light of what your child feels to be easy and free and capable just because that they were born who they are, but we've also done some identity squishing and that's no good in the end. And often we don't even realize we're doing it.

What about a preschooler? Say you have a preschooler who is very confident, knows what they want, critical thinking's in place, see how we're stacking these. They are all about it. They're the one giving directions. They're the rule maker. They could be called bossy.

They could be called controlling, right? That's what the world wants to call them, but you know different, you know, that the other side of the coin from bossy and controlling is confident, is a leader, is someone who knows how to make and execute a problem solving plan. Is it always good for them to be the one who is in charge?

No, but we can work that out later. Give them that identity boost. "Wow, you are so sure about this. You are confident that you know how to solve this problem. You've told me three things already that I could do to solve it with you”. Feed their identity. Massage it based on where you are and the environment you are in later.

I hope this is landing. I'd really love to hear from you. I want to know who your kid is. I want to know what their identity is. I want to know what their natural traits and attributes are. I get all jazzed up about it. And then I want to help you problem solve when you're working to lift them up in certain areas and dim them down a little bit for an environmental fit.

I invite you as always to join me in our virtual village, a private safe community for mamas like you doing this big work, we have a community free and a community plus plan.  And pick what matches your need right now, upgrade later if you need more intense support from me. Next week, we wrap up our six part series and I can't wait to see you there.